Eight Ways to Cry On Cue

I don’t care what Blanche Devereaux says, there are plenty of reasons to cry. I don’t happen to be very good at it, but whether or not you just got pulled over by a cop that looks like a cuddly version of your dad, or you have to convince your boyfriend to eschew his night out on the town to watch a Jennifer Aniston movie with you, regardless of whether you are plain or pretty, a fake tear or two is sometimes necessary. You need to be able to cry on cue to get through a variety of life situations.

how to fake cry

Here are 8 ways to bring on the fake waterworks:

1. Cut a raw onion: If the chemicals in the onion don’t bring you to tears, the smell under your fingernails after touching it will.

2. Chew on a hot pepper: Anything really spicy should bring on the sads, which explains why I always end up in the bathroom after eating spicy Mexican food. Right? That’s the reason?

3. Don’t blink for 30 seconds: Especially if you are staring at something really ugly, not blinking should do the trick.

4. Yawn with your eyes open: This will work either because of a biological mechanism or because you are sad that you stayed up late watching reruns of Girls.

5. Dab menthol lip balm under your eyes: Just try not to get the Burt’s Bees in your actual eyeball; it is uncomfortable enough on your lips.

6. Pluck out a few nose hairs: Every time I do this, I find myself crying out to a higher power.

7. Squirt eye drops in your eyes: This really only works for photo ops, because it’s as fake as Courtney Stodden’s pedo-marriage.

8. Think of a sad memory: Remember when that nasty bitch in Soho ripped an Hermes scarf out of your hand at that sample sale? If that doesn’t bring on tears I don’t know what will.

There you have it. Now go out into the world and fake it until you make it (and by make it, I mean force your boyfriend to sit through The Break Up, with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn).

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By Gary

Gary is the gay guy that every girl wants to be, and every guy wants to be with (Mostly because he can’t get pregnant). He is based in Manhattan, but loves traveling to exotic new people, and sleeping with interesting new places. He is an adventurous writer, digital artist, and game designer that will try almost anything if it makes a good story.
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