I don’t care what Blanche Devereaux says, there are plenty of reasons to cry. I don’t happen to be very good at it, but whether or not you just got pulled over by a cop that looks like a cuddly version of your dad, or you have to convince your boyfriend to eschew his night out on the town to watch a Jennifer Aniston movie with you, regardless of whether you are plain or pretty, a fake tear or two is sometimes necessary. You need to be able to cry on cue to get through a variety of life situations.
Here are 8 ways to bring on the fake waterworks:
1. Cut a raw onion: If the chemicals in the onion don’t bring you to tears, the smell under your fingernails after touching it will.
2. Chew on a hot pepper: Anything really spicy should bring on the sads, which explains why I always end up in the bathroom after eating spicy Mexican food. Right? That’s the reason?
3. Don’t blink for 30 seconds: Especially if you are staring at something really ugly, not blinking should do the trick.
4. Yawn with your eyes open: This will work either because of a biological mechanism or because you are sad that you stayed up late watching reruns of Girls.
5. Dab menthol lip balm under your eyes: Just try not to get the Burt’s Bees in your actual eyeball; it is uncomfortable enough on your lips.
6. Pluck out a few nose hairs: Every time I do this, I find myself crying out to a higher power.
7. Squirt eye drops in your eyes: This really only works for photo ops, because it’s as fake as Courtney Stodden’s pedo-marriage.
8. Think of a sad memory: Remember when that nasty bitch in Soho ripped an Hermes scarf out of your hand at that sample sale? If that doesn’t bring on tears I don’t know what will.
There you have it. Now go out into the world and fake it until you make it (and by make it, I mean force your boyfriend to sit through The Break Up, with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn).
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