We all had heroes as a kid, right? Someone who you wanted to grow up and be like? Someone who was so unfathomably cool that you would walk around with their face on your lunchbox just to show your undying devotion to their celebrity? Unfortunately for me and many others, the ’90s weren’t a great time for role models. As I write this now, even for the sake of an anecdote, I can’t think of one person I cared for during the ’90s that I still respect now. That is, except for my own personal muse: Peggy Bundy. Becoming Peg Bundy is all that ever really mattered.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Peggy Bundy was a television character who was terribly tacky. How, in any conceivable circumstance, could Peggy Bundy be a role model for anyone? I’ll tell you how. Peggy Bundy lived the American Dream. She chilled on the couch all day long eating chocolate bonbons, but never gained a pound. Her husband worked at a shoe store. She preferred watching Oprah and frequenting strip clubs to housework. If that’s not enough, she wore animal print like it would never go out of style. We should all aspire to be half the woman Peggy Bundy was.
And aspire, I did. It all started this past Halloween. My hair was in a bouffant that would put Amy Winehouse to shame. I wore leopard. And shiny leggings. And tacky shoes. I tramped around the streets of the West Village. Admittedly, the first person to recognize me was a lit up bum who proceeded to grab at my patent-leather clad ass. And it was that very moment that I felt the full force of Peggy Bundy’s power.
As much as I love Peg, she was totally raunchy. If I was going to give her lifestyle a try, I had to at least try to class it up a bit. So I went on a journey, nay, an odyssey. I was determined to become a modern day Peggy Bundy.
My first mission: The Bundy Bouffant
Since Married with Children was a show of the late 80’s and early 90’s, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand Peg’s gravity-defying ‘do. I can sum it up in one word: Aquanet. I heard a rumor that if one television show could be blamed for the thinning of the ozone layer, it would be MWC. Since I don’t even know where one could buy Aquanet anymore, I opted to follow an eco-friendly path to voluminous hair.
Bumpits, $19.99 for 4
Enter Bumpits by Big Happie Hair. While I absolutely die over big, beautiful hair, there’s no way I could ever do it myself. One minute, I’m gently teasing my crown and the next, my hair is the catacombs of all hair-related products. Bumpits is a no muss, no fuss way to look like your hair was teased by a pro. The plastic insert slides right under a section of lightly teased hair and grips on. When you pull your hair back over it, the insert is hidden (and camouflaged, as they come in different colors to match your locks). Spray a spritz of hairspray, and you’ve got enough bouffant to be nominated Vice President. There are three sizes, Mini, Large, and Hollywood (Hollywood is a fancy name for extra large, and obviously my favorite size Bumpits).
South’n France Bonbons, $32.95
Now,I faced the ultimate challenge: I had to find and devour Peg’s drug of choice, bonbons. I’ve never even had a bonbon before. To me, they were a mystical, chocolate anomaly. Where does one find bonbons? I assume Peggy got hers from the drug store, but I wasn’t willing to purchase my snacks from the same place I get my prescriptions. I decided to import mine from North Carolina. South’n France takes the couch potato stereotype of bonbons and spins it on its ass. Combining Southern ingredients with French technique, these handmade balls of joy showed me dear ol’ Peg was on to something. After trying all seven flavors, I was ready to quit my day job and dedicate my waking hours to being a full-time bonbon advocate. I advise every woman, man, and child to pop their bonbon cherry ASAP [Ed. note: calling it a bonbon cherry just made me inappropriately hungry for more].
I was on to the last leg of the Peggy Bundy tour. Anyone who was a MWC fan knows that Al loved his beer. But after racking my brain for much too long by any normal person’s standards, I couldn’t recall if Peg had her own drink of choice. And I’m sorry, but if I’m going to look up to someone, they need a staple drink.
Three Olives Chocolate Flavored Vodka, Price Varies
After some deliberation, I decided that Three Olives Chocolate Flavored Vodka would be ideal. I decided I would debut said vodka at a party I was throwing. I’m no connoisseur of the mixed drink, so after selecting what would become Peggy’s designated bev, I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. I went to the Three Olives recipe page for help. One drink in particular jumped out at me, Kiss Me You Fool. If that’s not P.B, I don’t know what is. The combination of raspberry and chocolate was sexy and sweet and frankly, debilitating. I mixed 1 oz Chambord to 3 oz Three Olives Chocolate Vodka, and actually…I don’t remember much after that. I was told I had fun! If chocolate’s not your thing, Three Olives has plenty of other flavors to sample (their newest flavors are Root Beer, Tomato, and Triple Espresso).
Three days and two pounds later, I look back fondly on my transformation (especially the night I discovered Three Olives Chocolate Vodka and subsequently lost my pants). Becoming Peggy Bundy wasn’t easy, but it sure was sweet!