5 Things You Should Experience After You Are Married
Talking about your number of sexual partners. Nobody is happy with their number (except me, since I stopped counting when I was 19) and it is undoubtedly a difficult conversation. Also, everyone always lies about it inadvertently by leaving out that latino busboy at Chili’s, and that drunken night at the sorority party. You might as well wait until you have the situation locked down before you divulge your whorey secrets.
Anal. I know I talk about it all the time, but if you really want to keep your man happy you are eventually going to have to let him in the back door. The key to a healthy relationship is sexual experimentation, and if you really expect him to be around forever, he’s going to have to get his ass-play from somewhere.
Talking about your life threatening Herpes illness. I know there just didn’t seem like a good time to talk about it before because you were afraid of dying alone and all, but now that you have a husband you can bribe him with your life insurance money. He will be a lot happier to clean out your colostomy bag if he knows there’s a big payday on the horizon. Plus pity sex is still sex.
Bringing up your first husband. Nobody is going to buy the cow if they find out its used and all its milk tastes like a 3 AM Las Vegas marriage to Britney Spears.
Farting. Your wedding night is the night where you realize you have committed your whole life to someone. It is the perfect time to let out that fart you have been holding in since your first date. It is the perfect time to say: “Hey, I am human. You married a human. Now pass me that can of Bush’s Baked Beans and lets get to know each other a bit better, shall we?