Worst Valentine Ever: The Gift of Gross

Written by Bryce

My official Worst Valentine Ever award goes to the San Francisco Zoo for their current gift offerings.

By donating $25, patrons of the zoo can adopt a Madagascar hissing cockroach or a giant hairy scorpion in someone else’s name. Sort of perfect for the scorned lover, and I’m betting we can all think of a man or woman who deserves to be the patron saint of a caged cockroach. Your donation wins you a certificate of adoption with your ex’s name, a little red box with either a plush scorpion or plastic cockroaches, and the fulfillment of knowing your money has helped a little critter or two live his best (caged) life.

Obviously this is the creepiest gift ever for the biggest ex-creep in your life.

It’s no surprise, these invertebrates are aggressive, active, and alarmingly nocturnal. Much like your low-life ex, they are usually found in and around low-elevation valleys where they dig elaborate burrows or “caves.” Also just like you-know-who, when a suitable victim wanders by, the scorpion grabs the doomed creature with its pinchers and stings the prey. After the prey is immobilized, the scorpion tears the carcass apart with its pinchers and begins feeding. Charming… We can’t make any promises, but urban legend says that the gift of a scorpion adoption serves as permanent protection against future romantic stings. Let the healing begin.”

Available for Worst Valentine Ever purchasing here.

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About the author


Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce's aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber

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