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What the Eff Do Hipsters Do in the Winter?

Written by Bryce

No, I’m not kidding.  This morning Ashley came in and started to wonder what happens to hipsters when it gets cold.  This is New York, and Williamsburg gets pretty effing cold in the winter.  Hipsters are best known for being a summer breed. They have cookouts, dance in the streets on humid days, stink up public plazas with their body odor, and generally engage in things involving public parks and pools in outer boroughs. WHERE THE EFF DO THEY GO IN THE WINTER?!

After careful deliberation, we narrowed down the possibilities.  There are only a few things that hipsters could be doing when the temperature dips below 60 degrees.

1. Since they’re cold, they try to keep warm by engaging in sports. You may see hipsters in their natural habitat, public parks, playing unusual sports (basketball) with regular whitefolk.

2.They get romantic. The winter is breeding season for hipsters.  Sex = body heat.  You’ll notice that most hipster babies have birthdays in the summer/early fall… this is because they were conceived during cold months.

3. They get ironic tattoos.  They have to pass the time and look cool, right?  You can try this one, too.  Maybe a smurf or a penguin?


4.  They do heroin. Because they’re effed up and don’t have jobs.


5.They breed more. In orgy settings.


6. On days with particularly bad weather, or when they’re coming down from a rancid high, you’ll find hipsters of all persuasions watching films in languages they don’t understand or reading feminist literature.


About the author


Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce's aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber


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