Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you: vatooing.
A while back I brought you some interesting news on the fine art of Vajazzling, which as we all know now, is the act of adorning one’s vagina with little Swarovski crystals. Enhancing the mons pubis has since been an explosive trend in 2010, and I’m happy to bring you the latest installment: vatooing (also spelled “vattooing!”). Vatooing, is also known as “twatooing,” “vatuing,” or simply “vagina tattooing.” Except these tats (vats?) aren’t painful because they’re applied painstakingly with an airbrush. I headed back to Completely Bare Spa in NYC with three other 20-something girls from NYC to actually try the vatooing process. OMG.
The process, which I sat in on with a bunch of cameras (again), starts with a typical Brazilian wax to rid the entire vaj region of any trace of hair. To be honest, this left me wondering if you could actually leave strategic patches of hair to help enhance certain vatoo designs… like what if you’re really into bible depictions and want to get a burning bush? Or if you want an image of your boyfriend’s face, but he has a distinct beard? I was told that all these things are possible. Phew, that’s a relief. Back to the crotch decoration at hand.
After the entire mons pubis and labia have been stripped of any signs of womanhood, you can specify the design of your choice. Nicole, shown above, opted for a cutesy heart pattern. The technician carefully created a detailed pattern, and then instructed Nicole to pick the non-toxic colors of her choice. Her vatoo took about 10 minutes to apply with three colors: purple, coral, and teal. It was cute, but not whimsical enough for my taste… so I brought my friend Teresa in. She opted for something a little wilder.
Teresa, who I’ve known for only a few months but is absolutely one of my favorite humans on the face of the Earth, told me she’d be willing to try vatooing for a very specific reason: she hasn’t had sex in ages and partakes in frequent “self love” in front of her large mirror at home. So what the heck, why not spruce up the region? Teresa chose a cobweb and spider design, which made me wonder how many guys are going to come out of the woodwork to save Teresa from her vaginal doldrums. We were pleased to learn that vatoos are expected to last for a full week assuming you don’t engage in extremely heavy friction. Teresa was obviously thrilled by this news. This isn’t some junky temporary tattoo that you can buy anywhere- it’s applied by hand, customizable, non-toxic, and doesn’t have any of that weird filmy stuff that you get from a cheap temporary tattoo. You won’t get that weird cracked look as time goes on, either. The paint will gradually fade away over the course of 7-10 days (even with showering), and if you decide you need it off sooner you can always swab the area with rubbing alcohol to remove it.
My final accomplice, Erinn, decided to try an unusual vatoo (not that any vatoo is mainstream, I suppose). She opted for a rather elegant “69” in glow in the dark paint. Erinn. I can’t even imagine what you’re going to be doing with this or why you need glow in the dark paint on your upper vagina, but I suspect it has something to do with getting the most attention possible at the next lights-out orgy in NYC. Seriously, how else can you make your crotch stand out in a crowd with no lights on? This vatoo was probably the simplest of the batch: it was just one paint, took about 5 minutes after the wax, and only required a few minutes of daylight to “charge up.”
Vatooing, officially called Inked by Completely Bare, is available in their NYC and Scarsdale spas for $115 and includes a full bikini wax.
UPDATE! Wanna see vatooing on video in all its glory? We have the scoop for you on camera right here: Vatooing on Video.
Who else is talking about vatooing? Try Perez Hilton, Jezebel, PopCrunch, and Yelp. Hey, it even generated quite a heated discussion on Christwire.org, which we still can’t decide if it’s satire or not, but it’s still funny!