I am technically a child of the 80’s, since I was born in 1983. I grew up in an era with some of the best cartoons ever to exist including, but not limited to: He-man, Fraggle Rock, She-Ra, Thundercats, The Snorkels, and Gummie Bears. The reason there were so many great cartoons is so that children didn’t realized their parents were wearing metallic cocktail gowns and doing insane amounts of blow off of dirty toilet seats. There were a lot of good things about the 80’s, but we aren’t here to be optimistic today. Here are the top five reasons the 80’s sucked:
Mullets – Even though I am pretty sure David Bowie invented the mullet in the 70’s because he was too high to realize he was only cutting the front part of his hair, mullets didn’t really take over pop culture until the 1980’s. It was then that the dreaded business-woman she-mullet infiltrated Sears catalogs everywhere. Add some shoulder pads and silk blouse, and you have a pop culture phenomenon that ruined hair for over a decade. The effects of the Mullet are still felt today, in parts of the country where it is all right to seduce your sister using a 6-pack of Nattie Ice and a sweet little rock of meth.
The Ozone Layer– Speaking of hair, I am pretty sure we can relegate the blame for the hole in the Ozone layer to the copious amounts of Aquanet women used in the 1980’s. This decade was proof that bigger isn’t always better, as women teased and sprayed their hair so big it literally ripped a hole in the atmosphere of the Earth. I guess I shouldn’t complain since the hole in the ozone layer is the reason I am so tan, but in the 1980’s people simply didn’t realize the chemicals they used were harmful.
Cocaine- Speaking of chemicals, there was so much cocaine in the 1980’s that South America was practically snowed over for 10 full years. If you need proof of this, just watch Scarface, or any Sharon Stone movie. You can’t possibly be that thin and glamorous without arteries clogged with white powder and a lust for fame.
Culture of Greed– Reagan’s answer to turning back The New Deal was trickle-down economics, which left the US with a huge deficit and rising poverty. He also stripped environmental regulations, which to me, means that he probably owned stock in Aquanet. The “Culture of Greed” started in the 1980’s when the focus of corporations shifted from investing in their employees to personal wealth and the bottom line. I just Googled and paraphrased that. I neither really know, nor really care what the “Culture of Greed” actually is.
Tony Danza– Your grandmother may disagree, but Tony Danza is basically the Anti-Christ. If you don’t believe me, just watch one episode of “Who’s the Boss” without wanting to murder your neighbor, eat their face, and bury them under the porch. I am pretty sure Tony Danza is to blame for the Bath Salt phenomenon ruining the lives of poor people everywhere.
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