The Ali Lohan Problem

Written by Steph

Photos of Ali Lohan’s new uh… face thing surfaced late last week and boy, are they terrifying. Her publicists claim that the new visage is due to a growth spurt in which Ali became taller, thinner, and more ghost-like, but as someone who was once a 17-year-old girl, I’m going to have to call bullshit. You don’t get a new face when you hit puberty. I’ve witnessed growth spurts unfold hundreds of times; you might get thinner and taller, but you don’t suddenly look like you’ve aged thousands of years.

I think exploiting and encouraging LiLo’s mistakes is what turned her into such a trainwreck; everyone knew she was fucking up but didn’t try to stop her until she was imprisoned and pregnant and thrashing an umbrella into a car window and yes, I’m purposely blending together the psychotic breaks of several media ‘darlings’ because there’s no difference between them anymore–but must we invite their less-famous, barely notable younger sisters into the media machine cesspool? Must we make excuses for Ali Lohan’s face rather than telling her, “You’re 17 and you should own it, stop fucking with your body”? We all know her parents aren’t of sound mind to step in, but her handlers need to take responsibility for her before she ends up in orange like her big sis.

About the author


a born-and-bred Brooklyn brunette prone to excessive alliteration. Follow her on Twitter @omgstephlol. Read more here.

Leave a Comment