I know I never write articles about penises, but I have sort of obsessed with architecture lately and felt compelled to make some notes. New York is full of skyscrapers, which basically look like giant glass and metal penises jutting into the sky. I could go into some rant about how business buildings are shaped like that to drive home the point that we live in a male dominated society, but I don’t want to patronize anyone. Those big industrial penis buildings are now filled with women too, which I think says a lot about the power balance between males and females. Anyway, since the beginning of time architects have echoed the design and shape of the phallus in buildings of all shapes and sizes. Here are a few of those architectural penises, and their significance, for your pleasure.
Luxor Obelisk, France
This skinny, pointed penis obelisk was once part of a pair that marked the entrance to the Luxor temple like two skinny gay bouncers at an orgy. Muhammad Ali Pasha, the Wali of Egypt then offered the obelisks to France as a gift in 1829, and they were separated.
Torre Agbar, Spain
The Torre Agbar is just a building in Barcelona that looks like a huge dick (we have all seen them in this shape, ladies-don’t be ashamed to admit it). According to the designer Jean Nouvel, the building was inspired by the shape of a geyser rising into the air (i.e. a penis). Because of its shape, the Torre Agbar has a bunch of scatalogical nicknames, such as “el supositori” (i.e. the suppository) (i.e. something that goes into butts).
Leaning tower of Pisa, Italy
I had to include this one, because as we all know, not every penis points due North. Everyone knows about the leaning Tower of Pisa, but not everyone knows why it leans. The tower was built on a foundation that was too soft, so it started to shift during construction. The tilt increased in the decades it was under construction until they stabilized it in the 20th century (using Viagra, I assume).
Vendome Column, Paris
The Vendome column was erected by Napoleon to celebrate his war efforts. Is anyone else seeing a pattern here with that tiny little hobbit man? The column was erected in 1806 to commemorate the victor of Austerlitz. Its veneer was fashioned out of bronze plates made out of cannons from European armies.
Oriental Pearl Tower, China
The Oriental Pearl Tower, much like every porno I have ever seen from that part of the world, is strange-looking. Truthfully, it looks more like a dildo or vibrator than a penis, but for the fairer sex, I hear that is just as good as the real thing. The design is said to be based on a verse from the poem Pipa Song, of the Tang Dynasty, about the sound that a pipa instrument makes. The actual designer Jiang Huancheng denies this, and says it was not the original inspiration for the building. Long cylindrical shaft? Check. Balls everywhere? Check.
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