Penius is a real word, FYI.
If there were a genius grant for penis knowledge, I would win. And you can, too! The technical definition of Penius, as per the encyclopedia of fake news (the same bible responsible for this ode to Jamaican dick) is as follows. Penius; One who exhibits a vast knowledge of all things related to the male genitalia.
I am honored to call myself a true Penius. I have been studying dicks since I was a wee lad, pretending to shop for tighty-whities at Walmart, just so I could gawk at random crotch photos. This fascination led directly into my teenage years when I gave my first blowie and became forever a worshipper of dick, especially imported Italian penis. But all types of dick are loved, really. Moroccan dick. Arab dick. Israeli dick. Monster white dick in general. A dick whisperer, if you will.As a gay man, I would be remiss in my duties if I didn’t do my best to educate the masses of vaginas out there, on the masculine mystique and all the secrets of dick. So if you are interested in becoming a Penius like me, keep reading.
Blowjobs are a million times better with hands. If you really want to give a proper blowjob, use your hands as a wet, twisty tunnel (make sure you use lots of saliva), and your mouth as a final resting place for the dick. Let your wrists take on the brunt of the work, and your mouth, and your man will thank you. For more info, I wrote an entire article on how to give the best blowjob ever.
Foot size doesn’t directly correlate to penis size. Trust me, I dated a guy that was 6’11″.
Penises need to recuperate after sex. Even though a penis may remain hard after sex, it is likely way too sensitive to even touch. In fact, a rule of thumb is to steer clear of the head entirely after the guy ejaculates. Give your man at least 20 minutes to get his mojo back, before jumping back into the fuckles.
Penises are breakable. They can handle a lot (albeit not nearly as much as a vagina), but if you strain or twist an erect penis the wrong way, you can damage the tissue. So the next time you are on top and want to try some Cirque Du Soleil level acrobatics, tread lightly upon the dick. Even if you think it’s ninja-like Asian dick.
Some men have two penises. The condition is called diphallus, and it isn’t as pleasant as it sounds. Most of time time either one, or both penises doesn’t get fully hard. Can you imagine how much blood flow that would take (speaking of increased circulation)?
All balls are not created equal. One generally always hangs a little lower than the other, just like your boobs #amiright?
Babies can get erections in utero. I know its kind of gross to think about the fact that the father, and the son have both had erections inside you, but blame science.
Penises are basically overgrown clitorises. When it comes to nerve endings, the penis and clitoris are pretty similar. This is because they are the same in the womb, until the male genes kick in, and magically creates a penis out of it. Whoever said Eve came from Adam’s rib was totally wrong. It’s much more likely that Adam came from Eve’s clitoris.
It’s official, you have graduated with honors from the Gary Adrian Randall school of Penisology. You can now officially call yourself a full-fledged Penius at your next job interview. Go forth, and spread your knowledge and your legs!
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