Panic in the Streets: Coke Zero is Being Pulled from the US Market

Written by Bryce

Coke Zero is dying a fast, honorable American death this week.

It’s officially time to panic in the streets the same way the people of New York did after the stock market collapse of 1929, because holy crap: Coke Zero is being pulled off American store shelves as early as NEXT WEEK and that is simply not enough time to make a run on all the banks, collect all the cash, and buy every every single can, bottle, and 2 liter in the nation. What on Earth are people to do? Go back to drinking ye ole’ Diet Coke? Like, is that where Coca Cola thinks the people are? This isn’t the future we were promised.

Adios, old friend.

Let’s rewind to December 2016, when we, the good people of the world, swore up and down that 2017 was going to be a new year, a different year, a good year. That was some BS, because obviously the execs at Coke had this move up their sleeves and let us all go on believing in hope, change, and progress. We’re not more advanced as a society for this, Coca Cola. This is most certainly a downgrade, and the people should’ve had the right to vote. Did Russia do this? Did North Korea get in the way of our beloved calorie-free carbonated bev? We need to know.

Apparently sales of Coke Zero were meh and there’s room in the marketplace for a replacement, kind of like when your doctor divorces his wife after she put him through medical school and gave him two world class athlete children, and then he runs off with his receptionist. This is definitely the same as that scenario.

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Coke execs say they’re “replacing” Coke Zero, though, and we all need to chill out, because something called “Coke Zero Sugar” is set to debut sooner rather than later. Apparently it tastes closer to legit coke than Coke Zero ever did, but who cares? That’s not the point. We all grew to love and value the weird sweetish bitter taste of Coke Zero, and even the chemical-laden aftertaste that lingered minutes beyond sipping was sort of appealing.

Like Drake once sang, “No new friends.”

This is the new stuff.

Let’s all pour one out for Coke Zero, but pour a Diet Coke, because we can’t afford to waste the Zero at this point.

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About the author


Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce's aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber

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