There are days you wake up to rain or snow or some hideous combination of the two, wishing you had the power to fly through the day. Preferably in a cape, wearing a ridiculously flattering outfit/dominatrix suit. Then there are days when all you’re hoping for is the ability to make it in to work without spilling an extra-hot latte anywhere on your very ordinary suit that does not have a cape. Today is that kind of day. Here are the superpowers I wish were pre-packaged and ready for release, every day.
Anti-Tech Spilling. When I consider how many of us are walking around this city with a cell phone in one hand and a Starbucks venti in another, I’m actually amazed we haven’t evolved into this superpower yet. But while everyone can admit to occasional spillage, I am possibly the Archdiocese of Spilling on Devices. There’s nothing I can’t – or won’t – spill on, particularly if it is battery-operated and very expensive. It’s as if my hands are just waiting for me to open my laptop to begin doing their impression of the Shakira-shakes.
Affinity for Football. Blah. Footbaaaaall? That is my immediate reaction to any mention of the pig-skin, red-blooded, American patriot’s game. And between the months of September up until, oh, one week from now, that’s a lot of whining to have to do. I really wish I had the power to enjoy football, just enough to get through those months without alienating myself from my football-lovin’ friends. I’ve seen those looks of pure rapture, the jubilant high-fives they give out, the way they bond over Budweiser’s after an especially tough loss. I know what they’re up to, and I want in.
90s Nostalgia Shield. Is Addiction to Tumblrs about 90s TV stars a thing? Probably. We all seem to be on an intense 90s kick lately, and honestly, why wouldn’t we be? But it’s not only my incessant compulsion toward fabulous pre-2K artifacts that’s the problem. It’s the compulsion toward any old dusty thing with a 90s stamp, including things that probably don’t need to be talked about ever again, like the boy band Five, any Drew Barrymore movie from the decade (Sorry, babe), or that one ripped dude from the first Real World/Road Rules Challenges (Eric?). I’ve got to let this stuff go. But I’m totally keeping this, these, and them.
Appropriate Reactions to Sensitive Situations. You can’t truly understand the superb power of appropriate reactions until you’re watching your friend roll down an escalator in the center of a crowded shopping plaza, realizing that you don’t possess a shred of it. She was fine! I only laugh at my friends’ embarrassment pains, not real pain. I think.
Matching Sock Radar. Well, obviously.
And the everyday superpowers I nominate for honorable mention:
Not laughing at Man-Buns
Reading multiple books at once
Automatic toilet paper replacement
Perfect playlist crafting powers
Ability to not watch so many videos like the one above
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