As anyone who has ever met me can tell you, I grew up in North Florida. Since Florida is shaped like a super long penis, there are huge differences between the Northern and the Southern regions (basically the farther South you go, the more teeth you have).
Actual screenshot from my Instagram. Was the standing platform really necessary?
If you are in the Northern part of the state, you can close your eyes and imagine you are an extra on Duck Dynasty. If you are in the South, you shouldn’t close your eyes because you might float away and end up in Cuba. I am spending the holidays an hour out of Alabama, so here are some ways to tell if you are in North Florida for Christmas:
The closest thing you have to a Jew is your cousin David, who lives in a trailer in the woods and is a member of the NRA.
Christmas lights on tractor-trailers. In front yards.
Every person you know had their Christmas photos taken on a beach, wearing white button down shirts and jeans or khakis.
Santa Claus somehow managed to find fabric in red camouflage.
You consider having a barbeque on the beach for Christmas dinner.
The ginger bread houses have above ground pools and central air.
There are huge inflatable Santa lawn ornaments on all your neighbors lawns even though you got drunk and popped them last year.
You have to go to the mall to feel Christmassy because it’s 80 degrees out.
The Christmas tree is decorated with cans of Nattie Ice.
People are wearing hoodies with flip flops, as they shop for Christmas gifts at the gas station.
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