How to Guarantee You Will Never Get a Boyfriend

dating advice
Written by Gary

dating advice

While trolling online looking for random naked photos of Dave Franco, I ran across this little image, and couldn’t help but comment. This is possibly the worst advice you could ever give a girl, or anyone for that matter. I know it’s not #1 on everyone’s priority list, but we can all admit that its nice to have a guy around. If you follow this advice, that will most certainly never happen. Here is why:

Act like a princess: Princesses are generally naive self-entitled girls who sit around waiting to be kidnapped or nearly murdered just so that a prince can come along and save them. Except of course Mulan, who was obviously a lesbian. If you want to follow this advice, go to the darkest alleyway you can find as close to Martin Luther King boulevard in any US city, and wait for your prince to come and save you. I just hope you look good in your milk carton mug shot.

Look like Barbie: First off, we all know that Barbie set unrealistic expectations of beauty and mind-fucked generations of American girls. Second, I can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that no heterosexual man would ever be attracted to Barbie. Ready? She has a plastic plate instead of a vagina. BOOM!

Smoke like Marley: If you actually smoke like Marley, chances are you will be too busy sitting on the couch eating Doritos dipped in cream cheese frosting, and watching reruns of Family Guy to leave your apartment and find the man of your dreams.

Pary like Ke$ha: Not even Ke$ha can look attractive when she parties like Ke$ha. And just so you know, typing all those dollar signs is giving me carpal tunnel of the phalanges. If you party like Ke$ha the only guy you are going to get will be holding your hair back while you puke in a bus station bathroom, and he makes plans on how to get you out into the middle of nowhere so he can rape you with a maglite, and then dump your body in a ditch where you will probably land on a pile of Ke$ha’s discarded donkey weave, and human teeth.

The moral of the story is, the only successful way to get a boyfriend is to be yourself. Do that, and eventually a guy that fits perfectly with you will come along.

That is, unless you are a total asshole.

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About the author


Gary is the gay guy that every girl wants to be, and every guy wants to be with (Mostly because he can't get pregnant). He is based in Manhattan, but loves traveling to exotic new people, and sleeping with interesting new places. He is an adventurous writer, digital artist, and game designer that will try almost anything if it makes a good story.
--Instagram: @garyadrianrandall --Twitter: @gadrianrandall

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