Horrific Dating Email of the Week

Written by Bryce

I will never eat a pearl onion again. EVER.

Some of our horrendous dating emails just make me sad, but this one literally makes me feel allergic to schlong. Ugh. Thanks for submitting, Darcy:

From: Darcy xxxxxxxx <>
Date: Tue, Jan 17, 2012 at 5:29 PM
Subject: Re: Why I can longer eat my favorite casserole…!!!
To: Bryce Gruber <>

Hey Bryce,
So I have this friend in the industry, that industry being the magazine world. She was at, a said industry, event with a co-worker. Her co-worker was having a bit of fun which led to an interesting evening that I must share, as a public service.
Here goes- girl is having fun, a few drinks in she makes friends with a handsome stranger. They take things elsewhere and one thing leads to another… she is unzipping his pants to offer very generous fellatio and this is where things went wrong, really wrong. The man was uncircumcised, not a problem at all, love the turtleneck men. I hold no judgement.
Herein lies the trouble: she went to pull back the foreskin and found a well aged chunk of head cheese hidden inside–shaped perfectly like a sweet lil’ pearl onion. This finding led to her vomiting on his otherwise taintless penis… I don’t think they ever went out again.
The message–MEN PULL BACK AND WASH!!! And for me no more cream of mushroom casserole with pearl onions.
Love always,

About the author


Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce's aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber

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