This summer sucks. For one thing, I’m still obscenely pale. Did god forget to pay the heating bill?Â Is he going to help me get a refund on theÂ summery bullshit I’ve purchased that will not be put to use? Tolstoy once said the two most powerful warriors are patience and time, but I’m no powerful warrior. I’m a simp. A pale,Â decrepit simp who is desperate for summer to arrive.Â
As if life hasn’t been intolerable enough, I am Gossip Girl deprived. What am I supposed to do on those rainy Monday nights without new Gossip Girl episodes to look forward to? They get me through the week, those crazy kids. You know what I had to do this past Monday? Watch Jon & Kate Plus Eight. WTF, I say. This is not an acceptable replacement, even if their big announcement had been that Kate was ready to nix the groundhog ‘do and opt for plugs like her husband. Actually, that would’ve been exciting. That haircut is reason enough for Child Protective Services to evaluate the Gosselin home. What if a runaway strand of hair stabs one of them in the eye? I bet that’sÂ why the little dorky oneÂ has toÂ wearÂ glasses. But I digress.
So, because I am devoid of even the resemblance of a life, I thought about how I might bide my time until theÂ autumnÂ arrives and myÂ shows have returned. WWBWD? (That means What Would Blair Waldorf Do?) Well, she’d probably bang Chuck Bass or one of his fellow trust fund miscreants. This is a desirable option.Â Blair is smart. I miss her wicked ways. I miss Dorota. I miss the headbands. That’s when it struck me– why don’t I write an entire post about headbands?! Surely, this will be the scratch that curesÂ that itchyÂ nostalgiaÂ for my beloved programme.
I know what you’re thinking… Little J specifically said NO MORE GODDAMN HEADBANDS NEXT YEAR. But if you’re following me here– we want to know WBWWD (That means What Blair Waldorf Would Do.) And what she would do, quite frankly, is say Eff you, Little J. I will now tie you up in a closet, have sex with your boyfriend, and text Gossip Girl that I saw you in Target. So Little J, if you’re listening, piss off. On to the headbands.
For the gym:
Obvs, you’re not going to wear your most amazing bowtie matchy-matchy headband to the gym, where it will get all sweaty and gross. But using a headband while sweating your ass off is most definitely a good call– especially if you have bangs like Blair and myself (we’re twinsies). It’s safe to say that ScunciÂ has cornered the practical hair accessories market. I buy these babies in bulk every time I go into a CVS or Rite Aid. It’s like they’re laced with crack and even if I don’t necessarily NEED more elastics or clips, I will still buy them because they’re cheap and I will eventually need them and wait… what did I come here for again? Anyway. I prefer to use one of their knitted headwrapsÂ when I’m up in the gym, just workin’ on my fitness. Okay, full disclosure: I don’t go to the gym, but I do run in the mornings! In public! Bang matainence is necessary!
Headbands are not so apropos at work, are they? Depending on the climate of your workplace, headbands can be a huge Are You Effing Kidding? move. Don’t test the waters. There are other ways to do quick, cute hair in the morning– like Hair Poufs. I know, I know– what about Bumpits? Didn’t I tell all of youÂ months ago that Bumpits are the way to go? I did. And I stick by my story. Hair Poufs are like Bumpits’ younger, prudish cousin who has only been to second base. Wouldn’t you rather bring the prude cousin around work, rather than, say, the rockstar shot-taking cousin? I thought so.
These little baby bumps (teehee) are available in every hair color and add the slightest of poofs to your otherwise flat tresses. Also, Hair Poufs come with a ROCKING teasing comb in a cute little bag which can be used for makeup, condoms, those little alcohol bottles you get on airplanes, and other fun things that your hypothetical prude cousin will disapprove of.
If you’re not totally style-impaired, you know that workout headband is not work-it-out headband. They are not interchangeable, unless you are eight years old and rocking stirrup pants. This is where headbands become less of a thing on your head and more of an art form– where the rubber meets the road, if you will. The most impressive fruits of my headband research labor belong to this category.
First up– Bella Dawn Boutique. They have feathers. They have snakeprint. They have satin. They’ve recently been featured in Lucky Magazine and US Weekly, and for good reason. All of their headbands are 100% wearable, if you’re daring enough. I am. Blair is. Are you?
And now, the grand finale– Hair accessories by True Birds. I nearly popped a gasket when I first took a gander at True Birds’ impressive inventory. You can pretty much go outÂ nude and stillÂ be the best dressed person at the bar if you’re wearing one of these babies.Â Coming toÂ Nordstrom this fall, these headbands are hotter than when Blair and Chuck got it on in the back of that limo. Ehhh, well… almost that hot. I don’t even think hell is as hot as that sexathon-on-wheels. Here’s some of my favorites: