Annoying wedding shit is everywhere. Partially because weddings are an addictive, communicable disease, and partially because I’m 29 and everyone and their mother is in full on wedding mode. Before I delve any deeper, for those of you reading this thinking immediately “she’s just annoyed because she’s not married…” You’re wrong. I’m married to a man I really love, with kids popping out of me like every year. The deep love plus kids equation means I have a pretty decent sense of realism. Now feast on it.
1. People who get engaged to their “best friends.” OK, two possibilities here. You’re either not a girl’s girl and have no real best friends (maybe because you dumped them along the way to your hot and heavy pursuit of a ring), or you’re beyond insulting the real friends you really do have. Like, this guy you dated for 2 years suddenly is a better friend than the girl you’ve known since kindergarten? If so, you’re a dumb whore. The guy is possibly your soulmate- as in completes you, brings you closer to achieving your life goals, etc… but announcing on facebook “OMG I’m engaged to my best friend” is as stupid as stepping in front of a moving bus. Your real friends will silently hate you forever, and then some.
2. Forcing your friends to spend like 3 months income on your wedding. So, you’re getting married. Chances are you’re in your 20’s or 30’s and can’t afford to pay for your wedding on your own. So you call mom, dad, future in laws, and that awesome uncle with a few car dealerships to make your dream of orchid centerpieces and Vera Wang a reality. How nice for you, except you’re still expecting your friends with massive law school debt to dish out $400 for your bridesmaid dress, $325 for the matching Stuart Weitzman shoes that will honestly never be worn again because they’re rust colored silk, $200 for your engagement gift, $950 for your bachelorette weekend that’s going to be a shitshow anyway, $600 for the actual wedding gift, and countless drinks and spa time adventures along the way. But it’s all OK, because as the best friend/bride that you are, you’ll be there forever and ever as a shoulder to cry on when your friends are officially too poor to marry anyone, ever, or own a home. Oh, and the colors you picked were beyond unflattering.
3. You have a wedding hashtag. You have a fucking wedding hashtag. You think you’re brilliant. #JessandDan2013 or #SmithWolkowitzWedding seems really great, right? Wrong. Nothing signifies insignificance quite like a hashtag. Hashtags are for sandwiches, drunken beach days, and outfit of the day posts. If you hashtag your wedding, it’s like inviting divorce, because the meaning of marriage never meant much to begin with.
4. You put ring pics on facebook. You trashy beast. If your engagement announcement includes a giant “omg look at my finger! he did it!” followed by a photo of you wearing a quarter carat ring, well, that’s what you deserve. This is the wedding equivalent of wearing a fake Louis Vuitton monogram anything. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Try a status like “I’m so excited to announce Mike and I are engaged! It’s a dream come true!” Simple, elegant, inoffensive. Need a photo? Try one of the two of you smiling. Happiness is shinier than your Zales ring. If your ring is actually pretty great, people will notice in real life.
5. You think everyone cares. Genuinely, everyone’s pretty excited for you. Like, especially your parents, because you’re no longer their responsibility (in theory). But the guy in the cube next to you doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your table linens. And the woman who cuts your hair is probably beyond over hearing about your seating chart (especially since you didn’t invite her). And your friends with kids? They definitely 100% don’t care at all, because your life priorities are retardedly out of whack. Pay off your credit cards, go to the gym, do a good deed. Stop annoying everyone.
6. You say things like “it’ll be you next” to your unengaged friends and relatives. What? Fuck off. Maybe they don’t want to be married, or are self aware enough to realize they have a bunch of work to do on themselves and countries to travel to before getting into a joint mortgage, kids, and mega league commitment. Don’t be such a condescending bitch. It’s as unflattering as body glitter at the altar (or anywhere else outside of a stripper pole).
7. You think this doesn’t apply to you. You’re reading this, laughing, and are all “no way, I never put a ring pic up.” Well, you did all the other shit, so own it, and call your friends to apologize. Write them an apology note on your monogrammed stationery. Invite them for brunch on your fancy new china. Bake them loaves of bread in your never used $176 William Sonoma bread machine. Actually, don’t, giving your friends carbs after sending them into debt and a bad emotional spiral is even cuntier. Just do something nice.
Hope your vegan cake with anorexic topper is totally delish, though <3