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9 Things I Hate About Your House

Written by Elizabeth Mitchell

If you ever want me to come over, you better keep this list in mind.

We all know that one guy or gal whose house just sucks. There’s always shit thrown everywhere, way too many photos of themselves and annoying critters nipping at your ankles every time you try to make a move. So in honor of the New Year and my resolution to be more honest (I just completely made that up), here are 9 things I hate about your house:

9. Your heinous mismatched furniture. You think it’s eclectic, I think you’re delusional.

8. Your matching everything. It makes me want to want to throw up all over your ugly green couch and coordinating side tables just so you have to buy all new stuff.

7. Your annoying collection of [fill in the blank here]. Unless I ask about it, keep your mouth shut.

6. Your dirty undies. For goodness sakes, pick up your panties before I drop by, seriously, it’s not that hard.

5. Your plastic couch cover. What are you, 90-years-old? C’mon grandma, let me sit on your couch!

4. Your poop stained toilet. I mean, really??? You expect me to use THAT??? Clean up your shit, dude.

3. Your overly enthusiastic family portraits. I get it, your family is sooooo crazy and cool just like the Kardashians. AWESOME, no one gives a crap!

2. Your gigantic framed self portraits and/or model/glamour shots. You’re not a model, stop it, right now.

1. Your smelly pet. If I wanted a nappy cat, dog, ferret or whatever else you own drooling all over me, I would have told you a long time ago. When I say: “GET THIS NASTY ANIMAL OFF ME,” I mean it.

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About the author

Elizabeth Mitchell

Born and raised in NC, Liz attended college at NYU before making the move to the City of Angels where she currently resides. She has an uncanny love for all things neon, prefers regular to diet and secretly wishes she were a hipster because it’d be ironic. Follow her on twitter at your own risk: @emitchell456

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