It’s February, and naturally, there’s only one thing on my brain this time of year: When I’m bundled up in my house, what movies am I going to watch?
Well, that, and LOVE, of course. I’m not embarrassed to say that I’m a true-blue fan of romantic films, especially rom-coms. The genre marries two of the absolute best things we as humans have to enjoy in our lives. This is the cinematic version of a PB&J. A visual escape that both pulls at my heart and tickles my funny bone. Why wouldn’t I be absolutely in love with romantic comedies? Oh yeah. Here’s why. Here too.
So Hollywood doesn’t always deliver on its promise of “heartwarming and hilarious” box office fun. Even when it doesn’t involve the insult of Katherine Heigl’s acting. Sometimes romantic movies are downright depressing. Devastating. Sometimes they leave you with an ache that’s greater and more painful than your jaw after eating a whole box of Sour Patch Kids. And before you know it, you’ve got swollen eyes, a broken faith in love, and a super uncomfortable set of mandibles.
Since you may be revisiting the classics – either because of the cold weather or the upcoming romantic holiday – here are the disclaimers that should have been slapped across the screen before you got sucked in to that timeless tale of love. A.K.A. Before your life was ruined.
An Officer & A Gentleman: This film may cause confusing feelings for Richard Gere, and very unrealistic thoughts about what it’s like to be carried in Richard Gere’s arms.
The Parent Trap: Will lead to sadness for your long-divorced parents, sadness for Lindsay Lohan, and sadness for Natasha Richardson’s sudden death in 2009.
Pride and Prejudice: May cause head-to-forehead swooning and sudden urges to run into an open field.
City of Angels: Haters of 90s radio-pop, be advised.
Up: You’re gonna want to pop a Xanax exactly an hour before, because the first fifteen minutes of this film are among the most heartbreaking you’ll ever see.
Sleepless in Seattle: Whatever you do, don’t go to the Empire State Building alone on Valentine’s Day. Don’t do it. Ever.
My Best Friend’s Wedding: This is the most accurate portrayal of a woman who’s in love with her best friend that you will ever watch. That said, you’re gonna want to watch this with a best friend who you are not in love with.
The Graduate: Never. Trust. Your Mother.
The Notebook: This film contains beautiful people who perform an inadequate number of love scenes together. This film will make you think that leaving your fiancee for an unemployed drunk is a good idea. This film will destroy you.
Titanic: Watching this film will lead to an inconvenient use of tissues, and two subsquent hours of watching YouTube interviews between Leo and Kate, knowing with all your heart that no two people have ever been more destined to be together than them.
Top Gun: Expect to feel things you’ve never felt before. About bromances.
Pretty Woman: You know how Cinderella was really, really fantastical? Well let’s pretend Cinderella was an L.A. hooker…
Before Sunrise: Side effects of this film may be speechlessness and blue balls. Even if you don’t have balls.
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days: If you’re not yet in love with Matthew McConaughey, now’s not the time to start.
Love, Actually: This film contains no sensationalization, overly insulting, or melodramatic interpretations of love. Actually.