Things I Totally Forgot from My First Pregnancy…

I’m at week 18 with baby number 2, and although it’s only been 4 years since I had my son swimming around my stomach, it sort of feels like it was decades ago. How could I forget so much in so little time? So, for all of you new and repeat moms, I’ve put together my list of things I wish I remembered.

1. Cravings have nothing to do with foods you actually like. In fact, I find myself battling with my baby when it comes to food the same way I battle with my husband over the remote. It likes mangoes, I hate them. It wants caviar, the site of even tobiko on sushi makes me hurl. I love peanut butter ice cream, Baby vomits it right up. That being said, Dr. Pepper has become my main obstetrician- it’s the only thing we agree on.

2. Speaking of vomit… it doesn’t necessarily stop after the first trimester. Some of you ladies are luckier than me, and to you, I say “may you gain a thousand pounds.” Anyway, I guess the point here really is that I’ve discovered a few things. The first is that eating tomato and cucumber salad when nauseous results in something that looks eerily like gazpacho in the trash can. The same can be said for eating apples, except the result is fresh apple sauce (I’m a regular barftastic Martha Stewart around here).

3. Gas. Now, I was never a gassy girl before. In fact, I remember having a long talk with a close friend of mine about a year ago about the “right” time for her to start openly farting in front of her boyfriend. I was confused because I legitimately never had the urge to fart. My sphincter just respected me enough to wait till bathroom times and that was simply that. Now it’s like there’s a combustion tank sitting right below my uterus that has no where to go. Still, I don’t fart, but I dream of having the ability to. I often find myself daydreaming wild fantasies about a special pregnancy-designed nozzle for my vacuum that’ll suction all the pain, discomfort, and anguish out of my abdomen. Dear Dyson: PLEASE GET ON THIS.

4. Stretching. Everyone gets stretched somewhere… it’s like some kind of pregnancy karma, I think. I didn’t get any stretch marks with my son or even stretch my vagina out (thanks, C-section) but somehow the universe made sure I got my fair share of stretching. My uterus is supposed to be right around my navel at 18 weeks, but I’m fairly certain it’s crowding my lungs out and might’ve even migrated to my boobs (in which case, thank you for the additional cup size).

5. Little forest animals. Having a baby growing inside you kind of feels like having a kitten trapped in your belly. Now, I happen to think kittens are pretty cute so this doesn’t bother me, but for whatever reason the babies I produce are definitely not the declawed kind of kittens. In good news, if you have a particularly helpful fetus (thank you baby #2!), they’ll occasionally kick just the right spot to help relieve your ongoing battle with constipation. And, this is just speculation, but I suspect that means the fetus will be prone to keeping a tidy room one day.

Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce's aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber