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Ta-Ta Tattoos: Why I Won’t Buy It

By • Jan 15th, 2012 • Category: SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS, Sex Life

Tattoos have long outworn their shock value. With everyone and their grandma sporting ink nowadays, I’m more afraid of the people I see using pay phones than the ones walking around with an open-mouthed panther crawling down their arms. Even Helen Mirren woman’d up to getting one done, and in classic fashion, nonetheless (“very, very drunk”). Although to be fair, she’s Helen Mirren, not just any old prim-brimmed Dame. Mad respec’ for that!

Just like tattoos are about as shocking as gum under a subway seat, the placement of your tattoo doesn’t thrill me either. Once you’ve seen (or heard about) vatooing and penis tats, everything else is child’s play. Boring. Been there, seen it. Talk to the hand-tattoo, ‘cuz the one on my face don’t wanna know!

Same with the whole tattoos-on-your-ta-ta’s thing. Old as pie, right? Still, when I saw these cleverly marketed (or are they??) Ta-Ta-Too’s, I was a little bit offended. Actually, I was grossed out, then offended, then hoping and praying to Dame Mirren herself that they were a joke. But they’re real, all right.

I guess if you’ve always had a dream of temporarily stamping phrases like, “Satisfaction Guaranteed”, “Bite Size”, or “Guess What, I’m Pregnant” on your breasts like a not-very-subtle, adult-themed Cabbage Patch Doll, then you’ve won at life. Because out of all your wishes, the one that least deserves having magic dust sprinkled upon it has come true. Hooray for you!

As for the rest of us, I think our naked, phrase-free ta-ta’s do enough talking. But in case I ever lose my ability to speak or use sign language, and somehow, find myself stuck outside the apartment of a man I want to be intimate with, then Thank Helen I can just stick the words, “Special Delivery” across my chest so that everyone will know what I’m doing there. I’m sure they’ll understand.

As silly as these may be – I have to ask, would you get one? Just for fun? Or do you have an actual ta-ta tattoo?

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is a coastal-hopping country-come-cosmo girl who can be found getting her feet dirty all around Brooklyn and writing all over the Internet. She is the probably lovechild of Jay-Z and Dolly Parton. Follow her on Twitter @karinabthatsme
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