It is a fact of life that once in a while something embarrassing happens in the boudoir. There are roughly 12 billion moments every day- each with the equal opportunity to become a mishap, but it seems that fate loves to throw a wrench into our sex lives just for spite. I can’t tell you how to prevent these events from happening, but there are a few ways you can at least attempt to circumvent them. Here are four prevention techniques to keep your next sex-perience from becoming an big, messy joke.
1.Don’t eat Indian food within 48 hours of a date. I say this because I have had one too make-out sessions where I had to turn my head to burp. I have even gotten crafty and pushed someone down on a bed hoping that the odor would rise to the ceiling and dissipate. Unfortunately, the thing about Indian food is that the smell does not waft away- it lingers and permeates like the last vestiges of Lindsay Lohan’s dignity. Unfortunately, you aren’t fooling anyone so its best to just avoid that cuisine at all costs.
2. Don’t try to plan anything too spectacular. The more effort you put into making things appear romantic, the more disappointed you are going to be when he slips on one of your rose petals and gets jabbed in the eye by one of the champagne flutes. Plus, there is nothing sexy about waiting around in lingerie for 11 hours while he runs errands and grabs drinks after work with co-workers. The only surprised person in this scenario is going to be you when he falls asleep while he is inside you. The truly sexy moments in our lives often involve a touch of spontaneity so ditch the plans and get creative on the spot.
3.Get rid of your gag reflex. I won’t go into details but I will tell you exactly what happened. When I was younger I was getting a Beej from someone who was obviously inexperienced. One mistimed thrust on my part and I was covered in yesterday’s lunch. Luckily, it takes a lot to turn a guy off but I suggest practicing with your toothbrush or fingers so your throat gets used to being as occupied as Wall Street.
4. Don’t sweat it if something embarrassing does happen. Chances are, if you are letting him into your crystal palace anyway there is some measure of comfort, and maybe even love. He will think that your mishaps and flubs are endearing. And if not, then he is probably a stranger and it really doesn’t matter what he thinks anyway.
At the end of the day we are all human and we all slip up once in a while. In truth, moments of imperfection can sometimes make intimacy more enjoyable and make for cute inside jokes down the line. So don’t be afraid to let loose and react to each other like the flawed beings that you are.
Just trust me on the Indian food.
Awesome post. Too fcking funny