Parenting Advice: How to Raise a Baby Prostitute

In the world of today (and by world, I mean a horrible place where little girls look up to Kim Kardashian) it is important to instill a strong sense of morality into our children. People always say they want to create a better future for our children, but what about creating better children for the future? That being said, if you are lazy like me then you probably adhere to the adage: If you can’t beat em, join em. So for young mothers who would rather raise a reality star than a politician, here is how to raise a baby prostitute:

Buy thong diapers. This will introduce your little girl to the beauty of a whale tale early on, and also teach her not to shit her pants, not matter how drunk she is.

Watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and write down parenting tips from that crazy orangutan Theresa Guidice.

Decorate your daughter’s room in animal print and hot pink. The type of animal print doesn’t really matter- it is a proven fact that all animal skin makes children want to ess dee’s for money.

Put a little Hypnotiq in your baby’s bottle. Impressive tolerances to alcohol aren’t born, they are built.

Babies are born bald, and their hair doesn’t grow super fast. Get your daughter some Ken Pave for Jessica Simpson for 7-11 acrylic platinum hair extensions for the playground. The sheer jealousy this will create from those other bitchy 2-year-olds will teach your daughter a very important lesson: “Women will always be envious of each other, so make sure you always keep your crack nail sharpened.

Follow these simple instructions, and your daughter won’t only keep up with the Kardashians, she will surpass them (and possibly end up in prison).

 

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By Gary
Gary is the gay guy that every girl wants to be, and every guy wants to be with (Mostly because he can't get pregnant). He is based in Manhattan, but loves traveling to exotic new people, and sleeping with interesting new places. He is an adventurous writer, digital artist, and game designer that will try almost anything if it makes a good story. --Instagram: @garyadrianrandall --Twitter: @gadrianrandall