Most Jewish Toy Set Ever Sells Complete with Hasidic Jew Hats

The set comes complete with a tiny, furry Hasidic Jew hat, too.

In the world of Judaism, the guac is always extra, except the guac isn’t actually guac — it’s the various religious accessories and toppings, like striemels, the furry black Hasidic Jew hats you’ve seen around Brooklyn, and it’s hard to find a fun toy version realistic enough to make your kids lose their latkes with happiness. Get ready, because what you’re about to read is even more exciting than the prospect of Jewish rompers for men.

Someone recently sent me this Meet The Shpielmans Family Pack (Deluxe Edition, if you’re wondering) for my 5 year old daughter, and I’ve been dying of laughter and intrigue for the five or so days it has been in my home. Let’s dissect the entire set, which my little Modern Orthodox kid is now obsessed with by the way, because life is short and talking about Playbomil-compatible Hasidim on the Internet is sparking joy in me today.

The Shpielmans are the most Ashkenaz family of all time, and I’m genuinely wondering why the manufacturer didn’t scent the plastic like gefilte if they bothered to include a striemel in the set. That’s something to consider for the 2018 Mega Deluxe edition, obviously, but I guess I’m just giving away free biz advice. Let’s move onto included characters. You get two parents, two grandparents, and seven children of varying ages, hair colors, genders, and personal styles. The Shpielmans are obviously a value-packed set at roughly $40.

This set comes complete with a streimel, the Hasidic Jew hat everyone secretly wants

You’ll notice the set comes neatly packed, except one. There’s one wayward kid of the seven, and my daughter has named him Yussi. Yussi is strewn about the Shabbos silver. He’s not like the others. He doesn’t stand in line, combing his payos. I’ve been wondering for days if he’ll be the one to fall off the derech (the path), you know, spiritually speaking. Or is he going to bring home some Sephardic girl, like my daughter, which all the family will be forced to accept, but sadly? Will he eat heavily spiced food for the rest of his days and regret it? I need to know. But the set, much like life, doesn’t come with answers, just clues.

Anyway, back to Grandpa and Grandma, who in typical Ashkenaz fashion have been named “Zaidy and Bubby.” They’re cute, and like I said earlier, the value in this set is real, because Zaidy comes with the best plastic replica Hasidic Jew hat I’ve ever personally seen. Bubby is adorable with her whimsical approach to matching solids and prints, and I honestly do not even know what she’s up to with her skin, but it’s flawless. Is Botox and prescription retinol mainstream in the Heimish community now? She’s definitely not microblading, because that’s not kosher.

Look at that pink Stokke, you guys.

I find myself wondering where the other set of grandparents may be. Are they in Israel? Williamsburg? Monsey? Why don’t they visit more often? Maybe they’re upset Ruchel (the mom in the set) dropped so much cash on that fancy pink Stokke stroller. It’s hard to approve of a daughter in law when she spends so much of your son’s cash on frivolous things like Stokke strollers, right? I know. I feel for you, other Bubby, but shalom bayis. We need to be united, ridiculous pink stroller or not.

No need to polish this Shabbos silver

The Shpielmans also come with fine Shabbos silver, the appropriate storage box for Zaidy’s Hasidic Jew hat, two challahs, a challah cover, and even the challah-cutting board and knife. Honestly, this is the first time I’ve seen a tiny plastic knife in a children’s toy set, but it makes sense. Where the salt is, I don’t know, but I mean, there’s no 100% in life. If you’re looking to focus on the positive, the dad comes straight out of the box immediately ready for kiddish. I mean, he’s literally holding the cup and just waiting for you to finish the bracha for him.

Borei p’rei hahaha this is too good

Does life get better than this? Hardly.

I don’t write a lot of toy reviews, but this one basically wrote itself, and I’ll happily give this set a 10 out of 10 dudes showing up to minyan, although it’s questionable if that 10th dude is really there to pray or just to grab a bagel on the way to work. My only gripes are that the set doesn’t come scented like a gefilte or chicken soup, and that there’s no Sephardic version available yet. I don’t even know what the Sephardic version would look like, but I assume it would be an even better value because those overpriced Hasidic Jew hats with the fur wouldn’t need to be included, leaving room for at least 36 miniature spicy salads in the brown-town version, along with too much jewelry and a house on Ocean Parkway.

Anyway, you need this for Hanukkah. May your season be miraculous. It’s available here.

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Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce’s aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber