There is not much I can say for Lindsay Lohan, except that she has lived a very full life. Here is a list of life lessons we have learned from the most famous fire-crotch of them all.
If at any time you feel like you might get arrested, slap on some under-eye concealer and lip-gloss. Mug shots never go away, as Google is my witness.
Smoking depletes collagen and ages you like whoa. If you are going to smoke, start saving up for collagen injections now.
If your mother is a coke-head, cut all ties with her when you are 18.
Bad things happen when you date Deejays. Worse things happen when you date lesbian Deejays.
If you are going to court in the morning, grab some Walgreen’s nail polish and erase the curse words from your fingernails.
Fake tanning product does not sufficiently cover freckles. Period. It will also ruin the hell out of a white couch.
If you want to be taken seriously as an actress, shy away from roles where you play an amputee stripper.
If you want to be taken seriously as an actress, show up to work consistently and soberly.
If you find yourself spiraling out of control in public as a result of having two fame-whoring crack-head parents, move to some Mediterranean island for 6 months where there are no papparazzi and get your shit together.
When your mouth starts to look like two slugs dry-humping, its time to lay off the lip injections.
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