LC likes her blackberry, fancy panties

Lauren Conrad is on the cover of November issue of Cosmopolitan. This statement might seem like an oxymoron, but it’s not. She’s just a moron.

I normally don’t read Cosmo (how many times can you read articles titled, “Am I Normal Down There?”) but had to pick up the magazine after seeing the cover and noticing that I had a very visceral reaction to this fact, including mild nausea. Maybe it’s because we’re so close to November 4^th. Maybe it’s because I can practically hear the economy choking on itself. But for some reason, the image of Lauren Conrad suggestively thumbing down the waistband of her pants made me ill.

What better way to make America feel better about itself than by putting someone on the cover who hasn’t seriously had to work a day in her life, yet can now have whatever she wants? Bravo, Cosmo! It gets better. In the article, she admits to calling Jason, her repeatedly-jailed ex-boyfriend, for advice every time a certain guy she liked texted her. I cannot tell you how many hours I’ve spent sitting around trying to ask my non-jailed friends for relationship advice only secretly wishing one of them had been convicted because what’s guidance if the person giving it hasn’t been through the slammer?

Excuse my subjectivity. But when her answer to “What annoys you the most?” is “Being stereotyped as a spoiled brat who doesn’t work,” I think it’s necessary to point out that she is the “star” of a show that does exactly that. I mean, it does that in addition to introducing us to fabulous specimens of human beings. I speak mainly of Justin Bobby who, by the way, is about as difficult to understand as that weird HSBC logging commercial

 In case you need to know more about Lauren Conrad, here are some bits of info courtesy of Cosmo. Be prepared to be blown away: 

– She can’t live without her friends (I, personally, could live without Lo and her slightly crossed eyes).

– She thinks she’d be exactly where she is now if she had never done Laguna Beach (if by “where she is now” she means probably working in retail just like every other aspiring designer then no, LC, chances are your semi-education would have you re-racking at Bloomies).

– She would never date a guy who had bleached tips (Josh Henderson ).

– She’s addicted to her Blackberry (despite her LG Shine commercial).

– She wears fancy panties when she wants to feel sexy.

If you feel dumber, you’re not alone. There should be a hotline for those of us who have been exposed to November’s Cosmo. I’m off to read the New Yorker to try and feel better about myself.