Jizzing on Toes

I’m not even sure where to start, really.  I have to say that I’m hesitant to even write what’s about to spill forth, but I feel like it’s my duty as a public servant to give the people what they want: information about men that jizz on toes.

Although I’m unmarried and have a kid, I’m surprisingly unpracticed in the world of sex (I’m not Lana), and the whole foot fetish scene seems to have escaped me altogether… but it hasn’t escaped a healthy portion of  the 40+ men in NYC.  New York women, beware, this city now has over 2 million men that are 40+, so that’s a LOT of toes that are getting jizzed on.  I’d venture to say that every minute of every day, there are at least a few toes being covered in old man goop.

pedicure

You’re probably wondering why this is even on my mind, and there’s good reason.  It came up in an office meeting the other day, and much to my surprise, even one of the late 20-something males in the office was pretty down with all the foot fetish stuff.  He likes his bitches to keep their heels on in the bed, suck on toes, and other such fun stuff… and when asked, he seemed all too proud of the fact that jizzing on the toes of some sexy young Manhattanite would be his next conquest.

Seriously, this was all too much for me, I couldn’t handle it.  I’m not used to all the glitz and glamour of ejaculation on to a woman clad in nothing but strappy, open-toed Dolce & Gabbana stilettos.  I asked the seemingly-normal late 20’s male in the office what his fascination with feet was, or with jizzing on things in general.  His answer was a simple, “I think men just like to jizz on things.”  What?

I couldn’t help but probe deeper, “I guess I understand… boobs, back, stomach, even the occasional face. It all seems normal, but I don’t see what it is about feet?  Feet serve no biological function when it comes to sex, so it’s a little unnatural, no?”

When neither of us seemed able to get to the bottom of this jizz puzzle, the late 20’s male called upon the help of his friend, a prominent New York psychologist.  The doc was eager to explain that it’s not about the biology at all, feet aren’t a source of nutrients and maternal goodness like a pair of tits, and they don’t possess the geographical convenience of the belly (or back if you’re rolled over), but they are good for one thing: expressing power.  Apparently a man that’s going around jizzing on feet has big time dominance issues, and just wants to be controlling.

So I feel like it’s my moral obligation to warn the ladies out there, if you think your boyfriend or husband is just trying to innocently jizz on your pedicure because he’s just a little eccentric, you’re wrong.  Next thing you know he’ll be choosing your friends, wardrobe, and obviously your toe nail polish.

Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce's aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber