The other night I had the pleasure of seeing my friend Stacey for dinner with a rather large group of particularly conservative people. She told me she’d be coming with a little gift for me, and I assumed for whatever reason that it’d be something food-related. Maybe chocolates, some fancy dried fruits, a tea or some other cute snacky thing… But no, Stacey handed me the best, and most ridiculously awesome thongs I’ve ever seen. They said my fiance’s name, punctuated with a little rhinestone. And, since Gary was there for the proposal, I figured I’d give you the visual on his crotch (instead of mine, we’ve all seen enough of my crotch):
So here are the top reasons to wear personalized thongs by Blume:
1. The only thing better than stroking his ding dong is stroking his ego.
2. They’re cotton, and everyone likes a fresh crotch.
3. They have adjustment straps, so if you gain weight you’ll be able to lie to yourself and still wear them.
4. If you wear them regularly, he’ll know you’re not cheating.
5. If you’re a little slutty, you can have them printed with your own name and leave them as souvenirs in guys’ bedside drawers (as a cute reminder to actually call you back).
6. If you’re in Brazil you can wear his & hers matching undies.
7. If you’re allergic to Penicillin or have diabetes, you can replace your medical alert bracelet with these to attract a hot doctor.
8. If you have a community laundry room as a result of living in NYC, you know your undies won’t get stolen.
9. Your gay bestie can borrow them and imagine himself doing your man.
10. You can have them printed with “Herpes” or “The Clap” to avoid uncomfortable post-drinking conversations.