How to Fake a Relationship with Yourself
The idea is simple: If you want a relationship, you are more likely to find one if people think you are already taken, because it makes you more desirable. If you can’t find anyone willing to wife you up, do what you do when you masturbate and take matters into your own hands.
1. Create a free Google voice number, and send text loving messages to yourself. Make sure you only do it when you are in the presence of your friends, so they can gush about how sweet your fake lover is.
2. Change your Facebook status to “In a relationship”. You don’t even have to create a fake profile- changing your status will draw people in like a Kardashian to a photo op.
3.Pretend to talk to them on the phone, especially if someone you like is around.
4.Pretend to have fights, especially if someone you like is around. Seek comfort in your crushes arms, and possibly genitals.
5. Hire an actor. If it gets the point where you are in too deep, one cameo by a well-paid actor or actress will put all the rumors to rest. If its gets to that point though, you might want to “break up” immediately after.
If you are batshit crazy enough to actually do this, here are some step-by-step instructions, including examples.[ via ]