How I Got My Boys to Stop Farting IndoorsBy Bryce • Dec 25th, 2011 • Category: Dating, ENTERTAINMENT, Family Health, SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS
It takes a long winter weekend to really get to know the people you live with. I spend most of my time with my nearly 3 year old son, and the balance of that time with his soon to be step father, a 40 year old foreigner with a particularly varied diet. These two, it should be noted, are extremely boyish boys. They like contact sports, things with motors, junk food, whatever the FX channel airs, and farting. I can deal with most of that even though I don’t particularly enjoy spending my free time looking at cars whilst talking about wrestling, but I simply cannot deal with farts. They’re impolite, smelly, and make me wonder why it is I spend so much money to live in Manhattan if my home is just going to smell like things my guys digested a few days ago anyway.
In obvious news, I devised a plan. A plan that works well for a 3 year old and perfectly for a somewhat religious 40 year old man.
I gathered them last night to tell them the story of how angels bless each and every person on Earth. In fact, I told them that the story can be found in a hidden text in the Torah, and that it’s spiritual fact that only high level rabbis are even capable of uncovering this information. It just so happens that I know some high level rabbis, and coincidentally, they shared this info with me. So back to the angels. Every time a baby is born there are very beautiful, loving angels that descend from the heavens to bless the child. The process of blessings comes in the form of millions of tiny kisses all over the infant, going straight to the bloodstream (only angels can kiss so intensely). Obviously all these kisses result in little tiny pockets of air, which is why even the smallest babies can experience some gas pains. In fact, gas pains are the worst for small babies (medical fact, look it up people). Those little bubbles are the houses for all the little blessings left by the angels, and simply put, every time you fart you get rid of a blessing.
I encourage you all to spread this wisdom especially now, the holiday season, when men are a little more spiritual than usual, have worse diets than usual, and you’re trapped indoors with them more frequently.
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Bryce is Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce's aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber
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