I’m a boy. As much as Bryce Gruber often forgets, I was born with protruding genitalia and I burp loudly, and often. Besides the occasional request to get naked and frequent friendly crotch grab by Bryce, I have never really experienced sexism in the workplace. I don’t doubt that it exists to this day, but with more and more women in high paying job roles and the balance of power between men and women being more equal than ever, it is easy to foresee that this phenomenon will eventually flip-flop and women will be able to legally sexually harass men. To get ready for the impending future, here are some fun ways to make a man feel uncomfortable:
– When interviewing, call your male candidate sweetheart as much as possible. If you can work in the word sugar-tits, even better.
– Ask him to unbutton a few buttons of his shirt. Refer to his pectorals as his tickets to middle management and say that one of the most important job qualifications is even-sized nipples.
– When he go over his special skills, with as much seriousness as you can muster, look down at your copy of his resume and say: “I see it says here one of your most impressive talents is consuming muff. Would you care to demonstrate on an executive beev right now?
– Pull a rubber glove out of your desk drawer, making sure to snap it against your wrist when you put it on. Then tell him that the second phase of the interview has begun.
– Tell him that someone has been stealing food from the break room. Then whisper: “If my muffin was in the break room, would you eat it?”
