From a Neanderthal Pursuer of Women…

Horrendous dating emails are pretty popular around here, so let’s thank my friend Meg for submitting yet another one of New York’s winners:

On Sun, Feb 12, 2012 at 10:45 PM, Meg xxxxxxxx <xxxxxxxxx.megan@gmail.com> wrote:

Hey Bryce,

I don’t know how these stories find their way to me but apparently there is a surplus of crazy men in this town.  Here’s a little note:

xoxo M

The first one has a little backstory.  The guy seemed nice but really nerdy during our first (and only) date.  He didn’t do it for me but I thought he and my friend might really hit it off, so I mentioned the idea to him when he contacted me via email.  In hindsight this was a bad idea.

Hi Jxxxxxx,
I appreciate your response and attempt at candor, but honestly, I’m disappointed at your quick and shallow conclusion.
You saw me on ONE date, where I was slightly nervous and cold, having to shout to be heard, and keeping a respectful distance so you’d know that I’m not your typical, aggressive, come-after-you-no-matter-what kind of guy. Do you honestly think that’s a fair way to judge chemistry? I’m not just asking as a defensive hypothetical. I have more of the right chemistry (for you) than you can even imagine. If you had let me within 2 feet of you, or if you had kissed me, you would not be using “chemistry” as your excuse, trust me. I’m more attractive and passionate than probably 85% of guys YOU personally will ever meet, and that’s while appreciating that you are an exceptionally attractive and fit woman. Maybe I’m thinner than some guys you see at the gym, but I’m stronger than you realize, and women have seriously swooned over my biceps or shoulders alone.
If you’re honest with yourself, what I think you’ll find is that you’re actually slightly intimidated, and you’re just protecting yourself against a perceived but nonexistent threat. You’re not used to dealing with your match… a guy who is not only intellectually your equal, with a sense of humor to match yours, but also as attractive and desirable as you. And to make matters worse, unlike most guys you meet, this particular guy is not going to chase after you and fawn over you no matter what, but will expect that you’ll do some chasing in return. You’re not used to that. You’re used to sitting back and judging passively, and I’ve taken you out of your comfort zone, because you also have to prove yourself to ME.
That said, I’m not suggesting we’re necessarily a match. I just think you’re unfairly prejudging. It may turn out that we really don’t have the same chemistry. That the sex isn’t amazing. That we don’t share the same attitudes or values. That your non-vegetarianism will end up turning me off, or that my honesty will turn you off.
But I was also serious about exploring the possibility of friendship, and about the fact that you will like me A LOT once you get to know me (not necessarily as a boyfriend, but as a person, at least). I really enjoyed connecting with you because you’re so well-rounded and so intellectually curious and interesting. I don’t know what your experience is, but even in grad school, I was disappointed to find that there are not many people out there with whom I can engage on such an intellectual level, and on so many other levels to boot! J So I really do appreciate that potential with us.
But if you don’t agree with any of this, and if you don’t even think we’d get along as friends, then why do you think I’d get along with your friend(s)?
I’ll check out your friend if you want, but I’d also like to hang out again with you, doesn’t have to be a date… And although I refuse to be the Neanderthal pursuer of women, I hope you appreciate my giving you a second chance, which is only because, honestly, I think you’re kinda awesome.
Cheers,
Xxxxxx
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Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce's aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber