Chocolate, you are my bitch lover.

I should have filmed this review as a last will and testament because the end, I’m sure, is near. Its title would be: Supersize my Ass: an examination of a chocolate review gone horribly awry. Or, I Shouldn’t Be Alive, Episode: Chocolate. I began with four different chocolate brands in front of me and ended in the first stage of a sugar-induced coma, covered in almost a face mask, if you will, of said chocolate. I left chocolate handprints along the walls of my apartment in lieu of breadcrumbs so my roommates could find me. They’re not speaking to me.

The first brand I sampled, Choclatique, was generous to send over its Champagne Truffles (an unfair advantage because they happen to be a favorite) and a box of Sweet Deceit, their 100% sugar-free confections.

The first bite into my Champagne Truffle made me feel like I was making sinful, sensual love to that hot neighbor of mine who doesn’t know my name, but has a great ass. The chocolate shell cracked on que and immediately my mouth was flooded with a creamy, champagne filling that made me squirm.

The melted chocolate mixed with the creamy inside to create a sexy naked champage party in my mouth. It was rich and divine and I had to smoke a cigarette after I finished.

Next, I decided to try Choclatique’s Sweet Deceit. I was wary because of the claim that these are 100% sugar free and I tend to avoid foods with such outrageous properties. I sampled the milk and dark chocolate versions and have to say that I was pleasantly surprised. They’re sweetened with Maltitol and didn’t try to overcompensate for the fact that there is no sugar involved, and they boasted the same consistency of real chocolate, not that crumbly texture that often gives away sugar-free foods. However, the taste is definitely a little different than real chocolate, especially when eaten after a piece of sugared chocolate. But, I’m sure it would satisfy any chocoholic’s cravings. (www.choclatique.com)

Second, I tasted Original Beans’ Esmeralda’s Milk. Original Beans is an awesome company that describes itself as “a conservation company first, a super premium chocolate maker second.” They use the rarest cacao beans and, for every bar purchased, one tree is planted. In addition, you can even enter the serial number of your individual bar of chocolate into their website and they will tell you exactly where replanting and conservation efforts are taking place (mine is in Ecuador). In addition, you will be given an updated planting schedule, biodiversity snapshot and current number of trees planted to date. Obviously my efforts at going green would involve eating massive amounts of chocolate.

Cacao seedlings 2 months old in the Esmeralda region of Ecuador

They definitely have the conservation part down, but does the chocolate pass the tri-level Aliza test of deliciousness? The answer is an astounding yes. The first bite was delicious, the second bite was delicious AND the third bite was delicious. The bar itself was firm, but not “feels like it’s been stuck in a freezer” firm. It melted so quickly in my mouth and I was able to detect slight fruit notes in the complex aftertaste. Interesting AND delicious. (http://originalbeans.com)

I decided I needed a cookie as a palate cleanser; I don’t need my chocolate flavors combining to skew my review. Although, that would be delicious.

Next, I tried Xan Confections’ Wholly Cacao collection. All of the Xan Confections chocolates are non-dairy, gluten-free, vegan and low calorie and low glycemic, so naturally I had my doubts. The Wholly Cacao collection boasts agave-sweetened caramels including: Coconut Pecan, Chocolate, Butterscotch, Espresso Almond, Ancho Chili.

It turns out everything should be sweetened with agave because these morsels were f’ing delicious. Each one has a filling that was the consistency of caramel, but held the flavor of each individual chocolate. The Ancho Chili was my favorite, delivering just the right amount of kick. Give me spicy chocolate or give me death. The gluten-free aspect makes these chocolates the perfect gift for those gluten-sensitive friends of yours who could use a little pick-me-up (and who, if you can’t eat gluten, couldn’t). (www.xanconfections.com)

Lastly, I tackled Mother Rucker’s variety of confections. I had heard great things about this brand, so I was especially excited to tackle their treats. I practically ripped open the box of Dark Chocolate Caramels with Sea Salt. As a serious chocolate connaisseur, my favorite, favorite, FAVORITE thing is chocolate and salt. Mother Ruckers chocolates only encouraged those feelings and I can honestly say that they are one of the best things I have ever tasted in my life. The chocolate alone is so creamy and decadent, with the perfect amount of bitterness that should accompany a dark variety. The salt, however, is like a shock to your tastebuds, almost saying, “oh, you haven’t seen anything yet.” Then, the caramel kicks in, as if you were at a really boring party and were just thinking about how that very fun friend of yours would liven it up, and then he magically walked in. THAT delicious. I’d say I’m embarrassed to admit that I ate all four of the Sea Salt Caramels, but I’m not, so I did. (www.motherruckers.com)

I feel like the appropriate thing to say right now is, “Ugh, I’m so full, I’m never eating chocolate again.” But that would be a big, giant, fat lie. I wish I had more.