Caffeinated Bagels Exist Now, Jews Wonder How this Happened

Caffeinated bagels are now a thing, people, and everyone from Brooklyn to Tel Aviv is wondering exactly how and why they exist.

First, if you’re wondering, caffeinated bagels are exactly what they sound like — bagels with caffeine baked right into their dough, and they’re ideal for the person trying to cut back on the time invested in actually drinking coffee and making actual Jewish people cry. This bagel development is obviously confusing to all rational-minded humans, because statistically speaking 87% of the joy derived from eating a bagel comes from pairing it with coffee, iced or hot.

This is the caffeinated bagel offered by the golden calf, obviously. via @einsteinbros on Instagram

The Espresso Buzz Bagel contains 32 milligrams of caffeine and a curious 13 grams of protein per serving and hit the menu today at Einstein Bros Bagels location nationwide. This caffeinated bagel equals about half a cup of normal coffee in terms of jolt, and offers a hefty 600 calories. That’s without eggs, cheese, schmear, or anything else that makes a bagel feel like the manna that rained from the sky during all those years in the desert.

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Moses didn’t part the Red Sea for this bagel. Jews didn’t invent this heavenly bread in the shtetl for this abomination. This is the idolatry Hebrew school warned us against. This is the golden calf. This is Lot going into Sodom. CAN SOMEONE JUST CIRCUMCISE THIS FROM OUR REALITY? Humans simply cannot be so lazy about drinking coffee, tea, or FourLoko that they’re reaching for 600 calorie caffeinated bagels, can they?

What we can for sure is this: this is the bagel of the tired goyim of the world (see the image they posted to social media — it’s toped with BACON), because Jews were not chosen for this. Join us in praying this isn’t a growing trend.

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Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce's aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber