Bryce Gruber’s Thoughts of the Day (there’s pain in the glory edition)

Written by Bryce

How we almost died in Connecticut.

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. -Confucius

1. Broadway, You Are Great. Tuesday night was pretty wild. I packed up my overnight bag (again) to head out of town with Gary (again). This time I was headed to Hartford, Connecticut for a taping of the Fox Connecticut morning show. We were heading up after seeing our friend’s Broadway opening and a night of kofte kebab sandwiches on the Upper West Side. So the state I was in was some bizarre combination of jubilant from show tunes, exhausted from protein overload, and generally bloated from hormonal imbalances and salty junk food. It was a perfect storm for a long, get-lost-in-the-Bronx kind of car ride… complete with the these-Spanx-are-so-tight-I-can’t-breathe sensation. It didn’t matter that we spent about an hour circling the worst neighborhood in the Bronx in hot pursuit of the interstate that would lead us to Connecticut- we were riding high on the music we heard at the opening of Jack Perry is Alive (and Dating). If you’re in NYC during the next week or so and have a gay best friend, you absolutely MUST see this. It’ll rock your world.

2. We Almost Died in a Fancy Car. First of all, I have no intention of dying anytime soon. However, if for some reason it has to happen sooner than my 90th birthday, I really hope it’s in a fancy car (or as a result of eating too much peanut butter ice cream). My premature death wish almost came true on Tuesday night, because after our long trek to Hartford we finally arrived out our 2.5 star hotel at 1 AM. Now, I know you’re thinking, “but Bryce, if you had a fancy car, why did you stay in a 2.5 star hotel in a notoriously crime-ridden city?” Well, darlings, that’s a good question. In fact, when I looked into hotels I only saw a slew of places called “Holiday Inn Express” with availability, so I figured I’d make a proactive and positive step when booking the  more expensive La Quinta Inn option. I should’ve just saved the $20, because we nearly died in the parking lot of the La Quinta Inn. Seriously, this is how it went:

Me: Wow, we’re finally here. It’s a good thing there’s a bail bonds store down the street… you know, just in case.

Gary: Yeah, this looks even more glam than the oceanfront suite we were in 2 days ago in Florida.

Me: Crap. I hope we live through this, because there’s a really shady looking man squatting in front of the hotel entrance right now and we’re about to park a really flashy car in a lot full of ’92 Ford Escorts. Things aren’t looking good, champ.

Gary: Let’s just grab the sh*t out of the trunk really fast, lock this bitch, and get inside with haste.

So we did that. We grabbed all our belongings in about 14.1 seconds (maybe less), and headed for the entrance of the La Quinta. About 10 yards from the car I started to click the lock button, which was soon followed by that little baby honk that cars cry out in an effort to let you know they’re all secure. The baby honk happened 2 or 3 times before Gary and I heard a wild, probably cracked out man screaming at us. I looked at Gary with panic and fear in my eyes. In fact, I’m pretty sure I had lasers bursting out of my eyeballs at that moment. The screaming got louder, more intense and irate, and it seemed to be getting closer.  We walked faster past the squatting homeless man at the entrance, and up to the reception desk.

Me: Um, I think you should call security, there’s a crazy man screaming things at us that seems pretty violent. Also there’s a homeless man like 2 feet from your desk just squatting by the door.

Reception Girl: Oh that’s no big deal.

Gary’s eyes shot their own lasers at this point.

3. In Good News… By the time we woke up from a particularly unsatisfying sleep at 6:45 the next morning, we were ready to head over to the FOX 61 studios for a taping of FOX’s Connecticut morning show. I was scheduled to talk about the best baby shower gifts for new moms, and the segment went really well. It was fun, the producers were hysterical, and the anchor was totally up on her baby knowledge. She might’ve been a size 00, but apparently she squeezed out three humans in the past 7 years. Mazel tov to her.

4. A Quick Side Note. I decided today, on this crisp Fall afternoon that I have a new favorite way of working. I love working in a fuzzy purple bathrobe. I figured this out when the entire office crew was huddled around Ashley’s desk talking about the logistics of sex on a moped when I received a FedEx package. I opened the package to find several shampoos with 24 karat gold and conditioners with real crushed diamonds, but somehow found myself most attracted to the purple polyester promotional robe that was in the box (that I’m sure was purchased at a wholesale rate of like $5). You know what I’ve learned here? Between my Hartford experience and my bathrobe preference, I’m a classy lady.

By the way, for those of you interested, the photo at the top of this post is of a real, native Connecticut mushroom found in a local Hartford parking lot.

About the author


Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce's aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber

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