Bryce Gruber’s Thoughts of the Day (decaf edition)
It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen. -Dolly Parton
1. Wait, Really? Last week I had the pleasure of having my boyfriend pick me up from a dinner meeting to head back to his casa about 15 minutes away. On the way up to his house we noticed a big van that said “Try Jesus” …obviously I thought this was one of the funniest marketing tactics I had ever seen, so I asked him to pull the car over and let me get a photo with the van. I’m not sure if this particular church really thought that they’d convert anyone by driving their kidnapper van around or not, but I’m pretty sure they were sending mixed signals with the “666” license plate. Update: I’m still messiahless.
2. Icebox Cake. Speaking of religion, I had a pretty wildly spiritual experience with a piece of cake from Billy’s bakery on Friday night. I showed up to their Chelsea location at about 10 PM with my friend Renee just to share a piece of cake and imbibe some tea as part of a “let’s relax more” weekend plan, but that somehow evolved into me eating the entire piece of cake (about the size of my head), enjoying every bite of it, wishing for more, and then also having half of a red velvet cupcake. It was gluttony Friday, apparently, and the sad thing is that I haven’t been able to get that cake out of my brain since. I literally went to sleep last night dreaming of the pillows of soft, not-overly sweet whipped cream between it’s chocolately layers of happiness. Officially the best cake of my life. Ever. And I think the fact that Renee kept talking about kinky sexual things as I ate the cake made it that much better.
3. Do You Pee After Sex? Ok, so at the risk of sounding like a total moron, I’m just going to come on out and say it: I didn’t know that you’re supposed to pee after sex. In fact, I really had no idea. In 10th grade health class all they teach you is “don’t do it, but if you’re going to do it use a condom.” Well, I wasn’t really doing it, and then with all the boyfriends I’ve had up until now I wasn’t really doing it either (I stress the fact that all it takes is ONCE to get pregnant- I know that’s what you’re thinking). In all that time (basically 10 years of basic sex knowledge, or so I thought) I had no idea that you were supposed to get up and pee after doing it. Maybe that’s why the one spermtastic sexual encounter I had resulted in a kid (so in that case I’m happy I didn’t know), but still, why didn’t my friends tell me? I didn’t find out till last week while I was sitting with Ashley and Danielle at a local pizza place discussing the hazards of sex in general. I was the oldest in the group for that lunch, and the only one with a kid, so you can imagine the stares I got when I admitted I had no idea that I was even supposed to be peeing.
I obviously brought this up to Boyfriend on the phone later that night. I asked him flat out, “Do you love me?”
“Of course I do, Bryce… you know that. Why are you asking?”
“Then why don’t you ever tell me to pee after sex? I didn’t know I was supposed to.”
“I didn’t think I was sleeping with a child.”