F*cking Machines
By Lana • Mar 10th, 2009 • Category: SEX AND RELATIONSHIPSAfter hearing many of my friends acclaim “Burn After Reading” - starring two of my favorite dreamboats, George Clooney and Brad Pitt – I finally succumbed to the pressure and rented it this weekend. And while it was ironically laugh-out-loud comical, it wasn’t Brad’s quirky character that got me all riled up; it was this bangin’ sex machine’s surprise guest role:
Dildo Chair in "Burn After Reading"
A rocking sex chair. The scene starts out with the chair in the rested position and the dildo retracted, which gives the impression that the contraption is a sick torture device of sorts. Imagine my shock and surprise when George then gives the chair a good push, and a rubber penis started pumping into the air; I literally squealed with delight, and exclaimed between gasps of laughter “Where do I get one of those!?” Turns out that while purchasing an exact replica of the machine in the film is out of the question – and building one would be quite the production – a contrivance that promises to be just as enjoyable is available for purchase:
The Monkey Rocker, $800
Following my momentary lapse of ability to see beyond my wild fantasies involving the sex chair, I immediately scoured the interweb for other unusually ingenious sex machines that I may require to one day float my boat.
Ladies and gents, I present to you my list of ace sex machines:
The FuckSall F*cking Kit
FuckSall Fucking Adapter, $98.00
It’s tool time! An economical answer to your recessionary “Adult Toys” budget cut, just attach the FuckSall Adapter and a Doc Johnson 8-Inch Vacu Lock Penis to a reciprocating saw, and you’ve got the newest and coolest addition to your toy box of playtime goods.
Pogo Stick F*cking Machine
Pogo Stick Fucking Machine, $139.00
Take “the excitement of masturbation and intercourse to a whole new level,” with this contraption. Available with additional mounts so that you can have “mind-blowing sex either by yourself or with your friends,” I’m a a tad hesitant to try this only because I’m likely to fall over and injure my cervix while giving it a go. But one customer claims he – er, his sister – has had
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with it:
“Wow, this thing is amazing! I bought my sister one of these as a gag gift for her birthday last week. Yesterday, I go over to her house and she’s hopping all over the back yard like a jackrabbit! She sees me, stumbles off this thing and give me a big hug and says, “Thanks Georgie-poo! I totally love this thing!!” It’s amazing to watch her use this thing because she’ll ride it until she’s dripping with sweat and totally exhausted. It’s a great workout tool too. Hell, I get tired just watching her!”
(What a creeper… who walks into their sister’s house without knocking?)
The Star F*cking Machine
Star Fucking Machine, $385.00
It has “eight amazing different speeds.” At Speed 4, it packs in 4.4 strokes per second, and at Speed 8, 8.2 strokes per second. Intense. I mostly only like it because it reminds me of the Fisher Price Corn Popper I had during the Phallic Stage of my psychosexual development.
The Ejaculating Rodeo F*cking Machine
The Rodeo Ejaculating Sex Machine, $429.00
I know, I know – sometimes our meatuses crave semen. So when you can’t find a real sex partner to fulfill your carnal desire for jizz, there’s this – a remote controlled, skeeting sex machine! Included are “one rabbit style dildo,” “one smooth, realistic dildo,” and “one injector syringe so you can place your favorite liquid into the dildos.” Sweet. Sperm bank, here I come.
The eXtreme Plow F*cking Machine
eXtreme Plow Fucking Machine, $750.00
This one’s a doozy. Plowing up to 250 powerful pumps per minute – that’s more than two punches a second, yeah! – I reckon this requires some serious stamina on the receiver’s end. It’s pricey, sure, but if getting rammed is the name of your game, then my recommendation is to disregard the recession and order one immediately.
There you have it – a brief list of machines sexy, intimidating, and wild. I’ve done my part by discovering and sharing with you these brilliant pieces of pleasure equipment. Now you do yours, and go get f*cked by a machine!
Related posts:
- Recycle Your Sex Toys… Into Playgrounds?
- I’m F*cking a Doctor, Hard.
- Stop F*cking Jon Gosselin
- The Sexiest Thing About D.C.
- Sex Toys: WTF?!
Lana is a free-spirited and sociable young lady, Czech-born and London-raised. Now living in New York, she dishes on her dates with the fabulous and flawed men of the city as The Luxury Spot’s sex and relationships columnist. Lana is certainly not lacking in opportunities for adventure, being a desirable girl. The stories you’ll hear are true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
All posts by Lana
So that’s what that jigsaw sound comming from my roommate’s room is from. I aways thought she was making homemade puzzles.
amazing. Better question about George though… isn’t that he walked in on his sister… its that he enjoys watching her bounce all over the place as she gets all wet from “sweat” what kind of relationship is that? and Lana you’re hilarious.
To the point and an excellent article.