Whether you’re already a mom, thinking about being one, baking a bun in the oven, or the fabulous friend of one, here are my top 10 things that every mother should teach her son. Happy Mother’s Day š
1. Farting isn’t a sport. I had no idea what to expect when I gave birth to a little boy nearly three and a half years ago, but within weeks of his arrival he discovered that his tiny little tushie could make all sorts of interesting sounds. Since then, we’ve had to tame this… he’s learned the hard way that farting scares girls away.
2. Saying “I love you” makes you a happy child and a strong man. All too often the men in our lives have a hard time getting to the sweet, loving words that mean the most. Teaching a little boy how to express love to his family will lead to a strong, grown man in control of his own emotions.
3. Not all boys want to play football or hockey. No matter how our sons are born- masculine, gentle, or a little effeminate- they’re our sweet, beautiful sons. They don’t all subscribe to baseball bats and Power Rangers, and that’s OK. It’s also important that they know the other boys on the playground come in all shapes and sizes, too… and all of those are pretty great.
4. How to respect a woman. Teach him how to respect YOU- with honesty, affection, love, and devotion and he’ll have the skill set to be a good student, boyfriend, husband, father, employee, and friend one day in the future.
5. Just because he’s got even a handful of Asian genes (or practices Judaism, Islam, or Hinduism) doesn’t mean he has to be a doctor. No matter how many times Grandma says it. Real estate and law are also options.
6. Aiming your pee is almost as important as being happy. Why? Because good aim leads to less miscellaneous spills around the toilet area, and a clean bathroom ensures a happy woman. Happy women = happy men, so the following must be true: good aim = happiness.
7. Saving your money is cooler than spending it on video games, audio equipment, anything you’d consider “iced out,” or surfing trips. FACT. It takes money to make money, so buy your audio equipment with the interest you made on the principal you saved.
8. Don’t go for the trashy girl at the bar. Please, it’ll break my heart and make me wonder why I tried so hard the first 20 years or so.
9. A foreign language. Even if Mom doesn’t know one, that’s OK. Giving our sons the ability to communicate well in English is our first gift to them, but the ability to communicate with new people in foreign lands will give them culture, wisdom, the ability to travel and see new things, and a wealth of business opportunities. Simply put, there is no downside.
10. Everything worth having is worth working for, so don’t be lazy. Laziness leads to false, short-term fulfillment. No one ever won the Olympics sitting on their sofa, or penned incredible novels from oversleeping.
Sorry, but I broke all the things above because of my mother. And “normal” girls are boring, the trashy ones are fun! š Also, and you probably won’t like this, but men find out that without a woman in their life, we have money coming out of our ears. That’s how we pay for Club Hedonism and booze cruises.